All the Feels…

Day 2 of 2023, Here we are in the very beginning of a new year. As the clock ticks on until midnight on New Years Eve and as we cheers and celebrate the coming of a new year, I think there are a few typical responses. One is to look back over all the happened in 2022; and this year, on social media, I saw another type of post that ran along the lines of if you just made it through 2022, that’s all you needed to do.

I’ve been trying to decide how I feel about this. A new year and all the things it brings to mind. Lately life has had me leaning into vulnerability, whether I want it to or not. Who else would be tempted to vote not, if given the choice? Are you mentally raising your hand, like I am?

This is the slowest I’ve ever typed a blog post. Usually, I sit down, and the words just pour out, and as I go, the next thoughts pop up quickly, I get in the flow (other than chasing a baby around, haha ) and pretty soon the blog post is much longer than I originally thought, because I just have so much to share.

Not the case here, it feels like this whole year I’ve been trying to process these thoughts and feelings and somehow get them into words.

When You’re Crying on the Couch in the Living Room

At the end of the summer, this is where I was. Literally stuck on my couch in the living room, and crying pretty darn hard. As you may or may not know, at the end of August, I broke my ankle in pretty bad fashion. Not literally, I had just been out with some girlfriends, I was in a really fun skirt and 4 inch high heels. It was dark, and I was delivering supplements to a neighbors quick and then rushing to pick up my brother from the airport (who I was really excited to see). I stepped off the neighbor’s sidewalk, and heard my bones snap as I was falling through the air. As I was falling I was thinking, “I can’t believe my ankle broke that easily, that should’ve been an ankle sprain at the worst.”

Sitting on their lawn in the dark, with my phone up in my pickup, I knew I had to act quickly. I could tell from the way my ankle broke, that my foot was no longer attached (the skin was, but not the bones - sorry squeamish readers!) I knew if I looked at that for too long I would likely pass out or start feeling so much pain that I wouldn’t be able to get myself help. My husband thought I was going to be gone for 20-30 min to pick up my brother, and my brother thought I should be on the way. The neighbors just thought I was just dropping something off and leaving. No one would be looking for me for a while.

I quickly glanced down at my foot to confirm what I thought I knew. My foot was indeed very dislocated, and hanging at a really weird angle. I knew I had a very short time before I felt intense pain as my natural pain blockers wore off. I crab walked on one foot up to the neighbors door and banged on the door until they heard me. They were shocked to find me that way on their front step. I shakily asked them to call my husband while they were putting an icepack on my ankle.

I thought I was doing a pretty good job holding it together considering the circumstances at this point. However, maybe not as much as I thought. My husband said he answered a call from an unknown number and heard his wife screaming in the background.

Anyways, a week post emergency surgery, once I was back home in my living room. With my foot in tons of gauze and wraps, 3 pillows stacked under my leg to elevate it and covered in ice packs, in a lot of pain. I just lost it. And was sobbing on my living room couch. Normally sobbing in the open isn’t something I do frequently. When I do cry, more often than not, I try to be in a more private place, in a room by myself, in the shower or bath. Wherever.

But I couldn’t go anywhere, I was stuck on the couch.

Do You Ever Have a Time Where You Think, “I Can’t Believe This is Happening Right Now”

That’s how I felt at this moment, my husband was working and in and out of the room and my baby was playing on her play mat on the ground. And I thought “this isn’t how I want to do this.” Yet, there I was.

I had a lot of moments like that in 2022. Where I thought, I can’t believe this is happening. Over and over. I don’t need to go into the details but really a lot of hard things happened in 2022.

And a complete juxtaposition, we got our biggest blessing in 2022, our daughter Sky was born, and she’s amazing.

How are you supposed to feel in the midst of all of that? The worst and best things happening simultaneously?

Feeling Guilty For Not Being At My Best

I had a lot of time in 2022 where I felt guilty for not being at my best. I’d be caring for Sky for example, and I could tell I wasn’t the most present that I possibly could be, because my stress level was so high. And that made me feel like a bad mom. This wasn’t the best version of me for her.

I was still caring for her and playing with her and taking care of all of her needs, but I didn’t feel like I was always super present mentally. Like I imagined I would be as a mom.

I wasn’t involved in many of my normal activities. I didn’t put the same huge effort into everything I did because I just didn’t have the energy or the capability at that time.

What Do I Take With Me? What Do I Leave Behind?

These two questions are ones that I saw from a woman I follow and really like on Instagram in reference to how to think about 2022. And I like the sentiment of it. I know something I have a hard time with is letting things go. I think that will be a constant practice for me throughout 2023. Leaving behind the things that no longer serve me. And only taking the best parts.

The Lessons and Blessings from the Hard Things

One of my friends shared with me something that their therapist told them when going through something really hard. That you wouldn’t wish these things on anyone, but at the end of it, you’ll have really good perspective, and will have a lot of clarity on what matters to you. And I believe that will be true. I can already say that I have gone through harder things in succession than I would’ve predicted I’d experience. And while there have been many tears, and tough days, and times of just surviving the moment.

There has also been dancing with baby Sky in the kitchen (we affectionately call her Squishy), and watching the joy with which she experiences the simple, wonderful things like eggs, haha. Have you ever seen someone more excited to eat eggs? Every month, and sometimes every week, and every day, I get to watch her learn/experience something new, and I know it’s been said a million times, but watching the world through her eyes really is magical.

I have gotten through 100% of the challenges put in my way (have you ever heard that one before, I like that mentality), I’ve loved harder and deeper, taken more time than ever to focus on the present moment, taken a deep look into how stress affects me (both physically and how I handle it - often not well, yet!). I feel a little like the phoenix. And I don’t think the new year was the rebirth moment that we maybe all wish it would be. I think I’m still in the burning phase. But I feel like I’m close. Like it’s just a little more intense burning, and then I’ll emerge on the other side. New, reborn, wiser, stronger, scarred, and ready for a new day. Taking in what I’ve learned and using that knowledge to better seek out the joy and love and connection amidst the storm.

So friends, if looking back over 2022 you don’t feel all the warm fuzzies, and feel a bit like you’re on fire. Stay the path friends, persist. Hopefully there’s a phoenix waiting to emerge in all of us.

All the love, Ali